The Village

Paul tried to explain why he let The Purse Snatcher get away, but it all happened so fast

Research Triangle, NC (TVN) -- A study published last week in the Journal of Genetic and Mechanical Engineering has experts everywhere questioning the very core of their scientific foundations. According to Dr. Harrison T. Bagsley, A renouned genetics researcher, the same process of evolution and adaptation found in mammals is also driving mutations in the automotive industry. Specifically, in our cars and trucks used for transportation. "When I first discovered this, I couldn't believe it myself," Dr. Bagsley said, "But the statistics are undeniable." Dr. Bagsley, a down-to-earth scientist who prefers his friends call him Harry, went on to describe the meticulous process in which he personally surveyed over 1000 vehicles. "Each vehicle had the same new mutation - an appendage protruding from the left side of the steering column that moves up and down like a lever." Dr. Bagsley urges the public to express caution around their transportation ...

On July 4th, Americans everywhere remember what is important in this country. That is, of course, the freedom to pay 5 dollars for a cup of burned coffee. Never mind that the coffee is sold to us from a company that was so sure we'd make them rich they figured their bucks would reach to the stars... what really matters is that we are not drinking tea. See, the British were once horribly odd folks that liked to put milk in their tea. Apparently no one ever told them this was gross. Tea without milk was not an option for the poor colonies. Adding insult to injury, King George W. Bush insisted the 'Mericans smear Imperial Margerine(TM) on their English Muffins and even began putting thumb-tacks in the tea. As time passed, people got fed up (probably sometime after the middle ages when famine was less prevalent). A group of individuals emerged that decided they'd had enough and were going to do something. No one knows for sure who they were, but at least 4 of them were...

"Next remember you are FLYS, not LANDS. Cause when you land, I'm gonna get you. shared via Creative Commons License ( BY-NC-SA-3.0 )

This weeks post is brought to you by the letters "L" and the number 0. Representing, respectively, the nature of my work (Lousy, lame, loathsome, loquacious Ok, that's not really an appropriate adjective, but I was running out of Ls and felt like 4 words was better than three ) and the amount of time I have available to write this (0 hrs). So then, I will today leave you with a slightly edited version of something I lifted off the net years ago. It's posted all over the place, but my version is better! :) Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change -$20.00, Coffee -$1.00, Total - $21.00. Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, ...

and I haven't even started playing my favorite track from Jason and the Argonauts yet...

Father's Day is a time for most to celebrate their fathers.  Or, if you happen to be a father, a time to sit back and soak up the free socks, ties, and strange gadgets that you might only use in the event of a nucular holocaust (for example; clean underpants). Of course, it's also a time when the man of the house gets to choose the restaurant - entailing careful selection of the closest all-you-can-eat buffet serving alcohol during lunch hours (AKA, "The Jimmy Buffet").  After consuming four times the gross national product of the entire Caribbean, Fathers everywhere can sink back into their couch, mutter "Pull mah finger", and watch meaningless analysis of meaningless Baseball games on Sports Center.  (Seriously, just watch the umpires - even they don't care yet.) I recently had the opportunity to celebrate Father's Day with the "In-Laws".  Even though that sounds like it would be great fodder for developing homicidal tendencies a few...

In the mid 1800’s, Charles Darwin invented natural selection. This was a process that allowed natural stuff to kill off those less adaptable to their environment. By less adaptable, of course, we mean dumb. Later in the next century, and to compensate for the impending doom of the human species, Al Gore invented technology.  Technology’s purpose was initially to make it easier to order a pizza, but quickly became the most popular means available that allowed humans (that were slowly evolving into monkeys) to survive in today’s society. Consider a recent evolution of technology: the self check-out line. Understand that there was nothing wrong with the original checkout process, in which a pretty blond-headed girl named Cynthia swiped my items past a scanner, and then told me how much money to give her. A nice young man then places these items in a bag, gives me a dirty look because I don't want him to carry them out, and then allows me to go on my way. There are some, however,...

But somehow the stick police can always tell... :( (Click to enlarge. Shared via Creative Commons License [ BY-NC-SA-3.0 ])

It seems you can no longer leave a pet store without passing by a delightful array of gourmet treats.  I would like to meet the person that decided this was necessary.  Survey your average dog as an example.  You will find that they eat: Why someone decided your pooch needed "delectable" gourmet treats is beyond me.  With that in mind, allow me to share two reasons gourmet dog treats are not a good idea. 1. They can be very confusing. It looks like a chocolate chip cookie. It smells like a chocolate chip cookie... But it does not taste like a chocolate chip cookie. I speak from personal experience. Eating a gourmet dog cookie tastes exactly like it sounds. (And if you thought it "sounds like" eating dog food infused with the sent of home-baked goodies, you are right.) 2. Any time I want to eat a real chocolate chip cookie, cdog now goes into a state of near frenzied panic. This state continues until shifting to a look of perturbed incredulity as ...

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(Click Pic to enlarge [ CC-BY-NC-SA ])

Our home is under attack. No, not by marauding Vikings. The 32 stickers indicating our home is protected by an alarm system and "instant death" have seen to it that they stay away. Instead, we have our very own cardinal. Meet Mr. Cardinal: Mr. Cardinal first made his presence known by rapping on the window pane while The Candid Counselor was hard at work. Initially, this development was thrilling. There may even have been exclamations of "How cute!", "Lookit him ruffle his feathers!", and "Awww... he thinks we're playing a game of Peck-a-Boo!" Several thousand pecks, a life-time's supply of Asprin, and multiple return visits later; he was not quite so cute. We began to notice the little mannerisms - how he would center himself in the window and flap at us when we came closer to inspect and shoo him away. We watched in awe as his little head bobbed back and forth and twisted side-to-side, glaring at us with one beady eye or the ot...

The CDC wants YOU to be prepared for the oncoming Zombie Apocalypse. No, seriously . Sure they say if it happens. But we all know it is just a matter of when it happens. Now, despite their best efforts at laying out an action plan, the best course of action is still to take Pete's car, drive over to Mum's, take care of Philip, grab Mum, pick up Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for it all to blow over. And above all else, remember to not get any red on you. image via CDC

The 18th of May marks the day of the official Mental Health Blog Party. Which is tomorrow, today, or sometime way in the past, depending on when you are reading this. To do my part, we below share good humor in the form of my favorite jokes. Q: How do you make Holy water? A: Get 1 Cup water, boil the hell out of it. Q: Why was the village idiot at the zoo tugging on a cheetah? A: He's always trying to pull a fast one. I once sent ten of my favorite puns to my friends hoping to get a few laughs. The end result? No pun in ten did. These two guys walked into a bar. You would think at least the second guy would've ducked. Q: What's blue and fluffy? A: Blue fluff Now see, doesn't your mental feel healthier already? If these didn't suit your fancy, you may want to click over to the Candid Counselor for her contribution to the blog party, or visit the APA Party Page to browse others.

Here in Texas, we say that bigger is better. And if you're talking about Ice-cream Sundays, I can see the merit. But after being blocked into a parking space by the rear axle of a vehicle that was (apparently) designed for relocating entire herds of African Elephants, I thought I might provide some help in determining if your Stupendously Uncouth Vehicle (SUV) is a tad on the large side. Step 1: First, you will want to note the distance you need to lean out of the window to see if there is a car under your front bumper. Measure this in inches. Step 2: Determine your rear storage capacity. If you find that you have more storage than, say, the entire state of Alaska, we can stop here. Step 3: Still calculating? Ok, let's keep going. Next I'll need you to take your "lean distance" and multiply by your IQ. Don't panic if you got a negative number. We'll deal with that in a minute. Step 4: Now add up the number of pull-in / pull-out attempts you require ...

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1) Guest-Bathroom Hand Towels: You know what I'm talking about. They're the size of a dinner napkin and have the absorbency of a single sheet of toilet paper. When you place these in your guest's bathroom, it's like you're telling them, "Here, I'd like you to have moist hands." That makes me wonder if you just have some affinity for moist things, or if you just don't like me. The later I can understand, but the former? That's just creepy. There should never be more than two things in your house that you can describe as moist. One of them is chocolate cake. The other should not be my hands. 2) Slide Shows: Calling your sweetheart over to look at that "cute picture of the dog" and having it switch over to a picture of her as she gets there is not cool, Mr. Slideshow; not cool. 3) Blue-Ray and DVD Players: Just once in my life I would like to push the 'eject' button on one of these contraptions and relax in confiden...

(click to enlarge) (image shared via creative commons license BY-NC-SA) "i" before e except after "c" and when sounding like "a" as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!" - Brian Regan