Monday, May 23, 2011

The Village Pheasants are Revolting

Our home is under attack. No, not by marauding Vikings. The 32 stickers indicating our home is protected by an alarm system and "instant death" have seen to it that they stay away. Instead, we have our very own cardinal. Meet Mr. Cardinal:
crazy birdMr. Cardinal first made his presence known by rapping on the window pane while The Candid Counselor was hard at work. Initially, this development was thrilling. There may even have been exclamations of "How cute!", "Lookit him ruffle his feathers!", and "Awww... he thinks we're playing a game of Peck-a-Boo!"

Several thousand pecks, a life-time's supply of Asprin, and multiple return visits later; he was not quite so cute. We began to notice the little mannerisms - how he would center himself in the window and flap at us when we came closer to inspect and shoo him away. We watched in awe as his little head bobbed back and forth and twisted side-to-side, glaring at us with one beady eye or the other. A simple truth slowly dawned.

He wants to eat our souls. And our little dog's too.
evil cardinalNow, when I moved into my office at work, there was a contraption left behind. After inquiry, it was determined the intention of this contraption was to deter birds from perching along the roof of our building. It looked something like this:
spikes of deathA plan began churning. Several puncture wounds, a trip to the doctor's, and one tetanus shot later, the bird-impaling spikes of death the bird deterrent was brought home and placed outside on our window sill. We sat back in satisfaction and waited. Any normal creature would surely be scared away. But Mr. Cardinal? In response, he has demonstrated a high aptitude for humming-bird-like agility while flapping mid window and pecking away.

Considering it may be best to find a coping mechanism, I have decided to imagine this little bird is up there telling his idea of hilarious jokes.

Cardinal: Peck peck peck?Angry Bird Very Angry Bird
Me: Who's There?
Cardinal: Robin.
Me: Robin who?
Cardinal: Robin' your soul tonight and EATING IT FOR DINER!
Cardinal: SquackSqauckSquackSquack!! (<-that is how they sound when laughing)

Editor's note: The above may also be how it sounds when a grown man is strangling a little bird's half-inch-wide neck. Just saying -

True, it's entirely possible this little bird is just confused. Maybe he saw our delicious dinner one evening and thinks he's a swallow; thus deserving a bite... Or maybe he's lonely and thought the 'chick peas' looked hot... I only know for sure that he has left me in a fowl mood. What I can do is guarantee you this - if he keeps it up - he will soon be a poultrygeist.

Quoth the Cardinal, 'PeckPeckPeckPeckSQUACK'!
spikes of death image was shared from here

18 comments:

  1. The "robin' your soul tonight" comment had me in stitches.

    I've also never been quite so amused by fowl puns as I was here. Then again, I'm not sure I've encountered too many of them before this morning!

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  2. "I've also never been quite so amused by fowl puns"

    --Turning my own puns against me... Well played! ;)

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  3. Hey 'beck. I am driven insane by repetitive noise, so you and your good lady have my sympathy. As for "if he keeps it up - he will soon be a poultrygeist" Ha! Outstanding! Indigo

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  4. "I am driven insane by repetitive noise, so you and your good lady have my sympathy."

    Thank you. There are those who can be very laid back about such annoyances. I am certainly not one of them!

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  5. he sounds a bit like a guinea pig I had when I was a kid. That thing was psychotic...

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  6. I am very sorry to hear that. I cannot imagine dealing with this without the several decades I have had to emotionally brace myself against such an onslaught.

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  7. Much as a love birds, some can be bloody annoying! We don't have red cardinals here, but it sounds like a total pain!
    :) (The smiley is because your post made me smile).

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  8. Ohhh! That would have scared the crap out of me! Birds=Death to me. They are constantly trying to kill and eat me, all of me. Not just my soul! I hope it turned out well!

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  9. Thanks. It has not turned out well... "Yet". The bird still lives, though he has been back less of late. Actually makes me wonder if he's noticed we've had chicken for dinner the last few nights. Hmm...

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  10. Heidi, Thanks for the encouragement! :D

    Val, you wouldn't happen to be in an area with woodpeckers around would you? Growing up in Florida, I remember them just hammering away on the metal light poles near my grandmother's home. Would have been sad-but-funny were it not so darn annoying!

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  11. Oh yes, we have woodpeckers here, they hammer away in the nearby woods but thankfully not in our garden!

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  12. Wow! I didn't know cardinals ate people souls, much less dog souls!!!!!!!!

    Sorry about the intrusion, but very funny post!

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  13. I think we're soulmates...or dopplegangers. I want to eat your babies.
    I think it's terrible your plans were thwarted. I think glue or sticky cement is the next logical step.

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  14. "I think we're soulmates...or dopplegangers. I want to eat your babies."

    I'm not entirely sure how to take that... I will go with "exuberant enthusiasm". Though it remains questionable whether eating babies is better or worse than the devouring of souls... food for thought. :) Sticky glue, though, may be an excellent idea.

    Jill, I am not sure that it is all cardinals - perhaps just this one. But I would remain cautious if ever you spot one, just in case!

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  15. You think you're very punny don't you?

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