Here in Texas, we say that bigger is better. And if you're talking about Ice-cream Sundays, I can see the merit. But after being blocked into a parking space by the rear axle of a vehicle that was (apparently) designed for relocating entire herds of African Elephants, I thought I might provide some help in determining if your Stupendously Uncouth Vehicle (SUV) is a tad on the large side.
First, you will want to note the distance you need to lean out of the window to see if there is a car under your front bumper. Measure this in inches.
Determine your rear storage capacity. If you find that you have more storage than, say, the entire state of Alaska, we can stop here.
Still calculating? Ok, let's keep going. Next I'll need you to take your "lean distance" and multiply by your IQ. Don't panic if you got a negative number. We'll deal with that in a minute.
Now add up the number of pull-in / pull-out attempts you require to park crooked in a parking space (Still covering the lines on both sides? Keep trying!)
Multiply the result of step 4 by the results from steps 1-3 and take the absolute value of that number. Keep reading to see how your score stacks up!
0.003 - .999: Really, your IQ was a fraction?
0.0: Great! You didn't have to lean out the window. Your either driving a reasonably sized vehicle (RSV), or you just don't care!
1-85: You're pushing it buddy...
85-783,129,435,948,701: You are actually using a cargo plane for transportation.
Let's say you've made it this far? You've scored under 5000 and are on the fence with regards to the size of your SUV. The next test is to hop in and hit the road! The first thing you will want to check once inside your SUV is whether or not the rear of the vehicle exists. To perform this test, you will want a pair of high powered binoculars, a dear stand, and a three weeks supply of water. Mind you, if you have not yet rolled-down the windows, you will begin to feel fatigued and experience an effect that many scientists call Global Warming.
Now, once you've determined there is in fact an end to your vehicle, crank it up and back out of your parking space. Take care to ensure you do not accidentally run over a garbage can or a small dog in Africa while doing so. Once you have pulled out, get out of your SUV and leave insurance information with the vehicles that were on either side of you. Now proceed to the freeway and do your best to resist all temptations of giving "the finger" to every economy sedan you encounter en route. (I will explain this phenomenon in a later article)
Once on the freeway, you're ready for the final test! Pay careful attention to the cars around you during turns. If you find they are inexplicably drawn to you, don't panic! It is simply that your SUV has generated its own gravity and is, in fact, what we like to call "not smallish enough".
But don't be discouraged! And for sure don't get rid of that SUV. What "they" don't want you to know is that the earth is veering ever so slightly from its orbit. By the year 2025, NASA, (in cooperation with the NSA) will need four SUV owners to simultaneously drive north from their main office for a distance of about 4 feet... Thus correcting our orbital drift. But sorry, if you bought one of those puny crossovers, you're out of luck.