Monday, May 16, 2011

Technical How-To: Evaluating the Size of your 'Thing'

big SUVHere in Texas, we say that bigger is better. And if you're talking about Ice-cream Sundays, I can see the merit. But after being blocked into a parking space by the rear axle of a vehicle that was (apparently) designed for relocating entire herds of African Elephants, I thought I might provide some help in determining if your Stupendously Uncouth Vehicle (SUV) is a tad on the large side.

Step 1:
First, you will want to note the distance you need to lean out of the window to see if there is a car under your front bumper. Measure this in inches.

Step 2:
Determine your rear storage capacity. If you find that you have more storage than, say, the entire state of Alaska, we can stop here.

Step 3:
Still calculating? Ok, let's keep going. Next I'll need you to take your "lean distance" and multiply by your IQ. Don't panic if you got a negative number. We'll deal with that in a minute.

Step 4:
Now add up the number of pull-in / pull-out attempts you require to park crooked in a parking space (Still covering the lines on both sides? Keep trying!)

Step 5:
Multiply the result of step 4 by the results from steps 1-3 and take the absolute value of that number. Keep reading to see how your score stacks up!

Answer guide:
0.003 - .999: Really, your IQ was a fraction?
0.0: Great! You didn't have to lean out the window. Your either driving a reasonably sized vehicle (RSV), or you just don't care!
1-85: You're pushing it buddy...
85-783,129,435,948,701: You are actually using a cargo plane for transportation.

Let's say you've made it this far? You've scored under 5000 and are on the fence with regards to the size of your SUV. The next test is to hop in and hit the road! The first thing you will want to check once inside your SUV is whether or not the rear of the vehicle exists. To perform this test, you will want a pair of high powered binoculars, a dear stand, and a three weeks supply of water. Mind you, if you have not yet rolled-down the windows, you will begin to feel fatigued and experience an effect that many scientists call Global Warming.

Now, once you've determined there is in fact an end to your vehicle, crank it up and back out of your parking space. Take care to ensure you do not accidentally run over a garbage can or a small dog in Africa while doing so. Once you have pulled out, get out of your SUV and leave insurance information with the vehicles that were on either side of you. Now proceed to the freeway and do your best to resist all temptations of giving "the finger" to every economy sedan you encounter en route. (I will explain this phenomenon in a later article)

Once on the freeway, you're ready for the final test! Pay careful attention to the cars around you during turns. If you find they are inexplicably drawn to you, don't panic! It is simply that your SUV has generated its own gravity and is, in fact, what we like to call "not smallish enough".

But don't be discouraged! And for sure don't get rid of that SUV. What "they" don't want you to know is that the earth is veering ever so slightly from its orbit. By the year 2025, NASA, (in cooperation with the NSA) will need four SUV owners to simultaneously drive north from their main office for a distance of about 4 feet... Thus correcting our orbital drift. But sorry, if you bought one of those puny crossovers, you're out of luck.later suckas

14 comments:

  1. Hey Cbeck! You know, I wasn't sure whether to capitalise you or not? I erred in favour. But there was no way I was going to spell that four syllable-er "capitalize" - I'm British, for Pity's sake! Now SHE gets a capital letter. I hope this isn't becoming a random ramble. Hmmm... By the way, I like the first couple of your entries I've read, so I've popped you on my sidebar so I can keep an eye on you. It's kind of like being made to sit at the front of the class next to the teacher. Tho by the look of it you're WAY brighter than me. Yes, this HAS become ramble. Indigo

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  2. And yes, tho we have the lesser European varieties for the most part, the SUV is fast becoming a pox on our parking lots. In fact, there was a recall notice I saw recently.

    "BYUNDUKI has recalled all of its 4WD WEDGIE SUVs. A booster seat will be added, so the tiny thirty-something blonde woman driving it can see over the steering wheel. And no, it won't help you park it, luv"

    Indigo

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  3. Ha! That is an excellent name for an SUV. It is in fact how this one fellow apparently views his tank, er... truck as far as I can tell.

    Thanks for the sidebar, I'll do the same soon as I figure why the little "widget" won't let me add any more. I go either way with capitaliZation, by the way - though I'm hardly important enough to warrant it.

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  4. LOL!!! It's own gravitational pull! This was great! I would say a test is to see if you can make it to the grocery store and back on one tank of gas.

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  5. I don't have an SUV, but it's good information just in case. I think the people that penned me into the parking lot last weekend were actually driving those giant trucks though, not SUVs...

    Very funny post!!!!

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  6. It makes me so happy when people write "gassholes" on the back of SUVs. Yes I'm 12.

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  7. I don't notice so many of these asshole (oops, did I just say that) in LA, but when I go home to Texas and I am in my tiny little rent a car, I am almost, on an hourly basis, almost run over by these monstrosities. The truly sad part of the whole experience is that even if I am yelling profanities at the top of my lungs, they can't hear me. They're too high up.

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  8. LOVE!

    You know what I don't understand? Why there aren't eleventy billion comments on this post. And by "this post," I mean "your every post."

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  9. Deb, you are far too kind... but I like it! :)

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  10. So... I had this cool little bit of fancy code that adds a "reply" link to my blogger comments. You know what it did? It auto-inserted an "@" in front of the username and tacked my reply down at the bottom of this post, where this one now is showing up. Well screw it. I don't need no stinking bit of fancy code to type @ for me. No Sir, I can do that all fine by myself. So...

    @Melinda - You are spot on about the round trip on a single tank of gas. I once had the pleasure of riding with a guy all the way to Colorado that actually had a spare gas tank on his super-charged turbo diesel 4X4 pickup. I am not kidding, and it wasn't an add-on - he bought it that way from the dealer. :)

    @Jill - I may be going on a baseball swinging frenzy at that truck. If youcare to join me, we can take em both out.

    @Elly Lou - "Gassholes" made me nearly spit out my drink. Hadn't heard that, but with the rise of prices I propose it gets added to gas stations too.

    @Flourish - I think you left off your "G". ;) I'm also not sure if they'd hear you over the noise -whether they are so loud because their muffler got stuck in the back seat of a convertible they cut off, or simply because the exhaust pipe is on ear-level is anyone's guess.

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  11. Hey I drive an suv buddy!

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  12. I'm sure you're an excellent parker...

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  13. Oh man, LA SUV owners not only don't care about how ridiculously big they are, they'll also park in the compact only spots just to screw things up for the rest of us

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  14. Ha! We don't even have "compact" spots here... That would probably be an insult to our state pride!

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