Thursday, July 7, 2011

A Brief History of the Americas (As best as I can recall it)

On July 4th, Americans everywhere remember what is important in this country. That is, of course, the freedom to pay 5 dollars for a cup of burned coffee. Never mind that the coffee is sold to us from a company that was so sure we'd make them rich they figured their bucks would reach to the stars... what really matters is that we are not drinking tea.

See, the British were once horribly odd folks that liked to put milk in their tea. Apparently no one ever told them this was gross. Tea without milk was not an option for the poor colonies. Adding insult to injury, King George W. Bush insisted the 'Mericans smear Imperial Margerine(TM) on their English Muffins and even began putting thumb-tacks in the tea. As time passed, people got fed up (probably sometime after the middle ages when famine was less prevalent). A group of individuals emerged that decided they'd had enough and were going to do something. No one knows for sure who they were, but at least 4 of them were fathers... Anyway, one night they got together, dumped all the tea out into the ocean, and had a party. This apparently started the civil war between the French and the Indians, which ultimately lead to Custard's last stand-up comedy routine that bombed so bad Bill Cosby was given the Jello Pudding-Pop comercials...


Ok, I might have gotten some of those details mixed up, but there is a very good reason. Just recently we had the pleasure of experiencing the Fourth of July like Texans. This included spending about 5 minutes outside, then trucking it in to watch fireworks on the local news because, even at 10 PM, it was still 108 degrees F outside. Try to imagine the pleasure of recovering from heat stroke while being delighted by seizure-inducing flashes of light on your television screen - and you will begin to see why I was tempted to title this post "108 ways to get a headache"...

But Americans were not the only ones celebrating this weekend. Nope. Our very dear friends from Canada also had their very own day (I have it on good authority that Canadians do not consider themselves "Americans")*. Delighted to learn that our holiday weekend was shared with our northern neighbours, I set off to search ye olde archives for past lessons learned about the lovely nation of Canada that just might surprise you (i.e., I read an old friend's blog and looked at some pictures I took when I visited Niagara falls once). In no particular order:

1. Canadians do not travel by dogsled; unless you count that one drunk guy holding a dog leash in one hand while sitting on a trash can lid.

2. Every one there does not know my third cousin John living in Simcoe.

3. Houses are still used as general places of habitation rather than igloos.

4. Their currency is based on monopoly money.


5. A loonie is what they call a dollar rather than a relative.

6. The marijuana leaf was a close runner up as the national symbol.

7. Their baseball team could use some help, but they blame the US for its problems.

8. They blame the US for most other problems too.

9. But they still love us.

10. A paper cup of coffee is the real national symbol of Canada.

19 comments:

  1. Just last week, I visited that same coffee shop (one of its units, anyway) and boggled when they proclaimed my total as $6.15.

    $6.15. If there aren't gold flakes sprinkled on the top of it for prettification (which I'd have held, because I don't need my coffee to be pretty), my coffee has no business being $6.15.

    I am, of course, using this as an opportunity to reassess my coffee consumption habits.

    Had to tweet this, not just because the first paragraph was awesome, but because all of it was! :)

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  2. We're still horribly odd folk who like to put milk in our tea... ;)
    (We get that from the Indians...the ones in India.)

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  3. Hey 'beck, I put milk in my English Breakfast tea, but would never sully a cup of Earl Grey or Lapsong Suchong with it. It just wouldn't be cricket, what? Roth

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  4. Lapsong Suchong... there's really a tea called that? Nah, you're just pullin' my chain - surely! But then, that wouldn't be cricket either. Of course, I tend towards football, where gentleman are a bit farther spread. :)

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  5. >> Val said: We're still horribly odd folk who like to put milk in our tea... ;)

    Even so, I'll take horribly odd any day over oddly horrible (which I'm sure I've heard a few people use to describe my tastes in fine drink). :D

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  6. >> Deb said: they proclaimed my total [for coffee] was $6.15. ... If there aren't gold flakes sprinkled on the top of it for prettification ... my coffee has no business being $6.15.

    Amen to that! Might as well just grind up a wad of cash and filter hot water through it. With as much syrup as they add, it'd probably taste about the same.

    >> Had to tweet this, not just because the first paragraph was awesome, but because all of it was! :)

    Now you've done it. I can't fit into my hat and I just bought this one. **Grins like a fool** :D

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  7. Indeed there is a tea called Lapsang Souchong... I can't bear the stuff! ;)

    Oh yes, better to be horribly odd than oddly horrible... though I don't think you are! :)

    My comment isn't posting - is it? Did it go through twice?

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  8. Thank you Val! He's an ignorant cuss, he can't help it. Sorry, I meant "American".

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  9. Ahhh... gangin' up on the ole Mare-can, eh...

    So Wiki says "the name [lapssng what-cha-ma-tea] in Minnan means "smoky sub-variety."..." Yes, I may give it a pass. I prefer when my tea is not smoking. :) I mean, I'm not supposed to smoke in restraunts, but my tea can? Just wrong!

    ---

    Only one comment post came through, Val. If this lousy blog-comment-system starts mistreating you, let me know. I simply won't have that!

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  10. Hahaha, just read your comment. You are just good at bringing the laughs--with you, not at you!--all around. :D

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  11. OMG, you can smoke tea now? This is going to save me sooo much time in the morning.

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  12. Mhmmm... something here for you in my current post, Mr Village, sir!

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  13. Why thank you! This has simply become a delightful few days for The Village.:)

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  14. >> Deb said: good at bringing the laughs--with you, not at you

    Sure... Sure... That's what my mother says too. But I know what goes on when I turn the computer off... I know! :D

    >> M. Hicks said: something that cracked me up!
    HAHA! If only tea could be so versatile...

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  15. This is my story: Alaskan Native born in Texas, moved to Oklahoma, then BACK to Texas and then to Alaska...and now in DC...what does Canada think of Alaskans? They didn't seem to have a problem with me while I was driving through their wonderful country...but then again I had an Alaskan DL. :-D Hee hee. Long story short...I think sometimes Alaska doesn't consider itself part of the US *Unless your Palin...but thats all I'll say on her...* Hee hee. Sorry for the ramble! Did you at least enjoy the fireworks a bit!?

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  16. I did enjoy when the fireworks started going off outside of the range of the fixed-position camera... does that count?

    And no need to apologize for the ramble. We love those here!

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  17. Very funny!!!! Except for the part about watching fireworks on TV. That I don't think I will ever understand watching fireworks on TV, 108 degrees or not. But then again, I've never really minded the heat.

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  18. Wait...why did this one post & my other one about the other one said it needed approval?

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  19. Hey Jill! I know, the TV watching was super lame. Never again. It was just one of those years where the outside was not meant to be. :)

    As for the moderation, moderation is currently on for posts older than 60 days, as I'm less likely to notice spam popping up there. I don't have the "nofollow" in my comment links, so that makes the site a bit of a spam target. You have inspired me to "get around" to putting that notice about moderation on older post up though! :-) (I'm a complete wreck when it comes to remebering to do the details!)

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